numbness

Today was another SSDD... Same shit different day... Once again working brunch in a restaurant. Once again talking with the same people, eating the same food, and hearing the same music.
I figured some kind of conversation might be stimulating, but it's all bland. Maybe it's due to my lack of sleep. Maybe due to my increased apathy.
I was told something today that should have mildly upset me. Instead I stared out from my empty shell, smiled and waited for the pain. It never came. It still hasn't come.
I remember sitting in Riverdale park many years ago with my friend Rudy. I was crying and asking him when the numbness would end, and when I could begin to feel again. He answered that he did not know. Eventually the feeling returned... but I remember thinking that I hated feeling numb more than I hated feeling.
In the last six months all I've wanted is to feel numb. I wanted the hurt and feelings to disappear. Now that they are gone (or slightly tucked under the corners), have I just become numb again. Things that should matter do not.
My insomnia last night was a walk through memories, and although most were of situations I wished I could have changed or altered, I did not feel pain or sorrow for any of the souls I have lost.
Being in this state seems never-ending. I can't play music, for I feel uninspired by all I do. Music also does not sound sweet.
I can not bake, for food has no taste, I eat mearly to stay alive, and to keep up the cherade that all is ok. I can not read, for my mind is unfocused, and wishes not to believe in the fairy tales. I can only write... By even that often gets torn up and tossed out.
I almost wish for the pain to return... almost.

Minefield of broken thoughts

Insomnia has struck again. It seems to be the strongest when my free time is abundant. My mind is left wandering (racing) through an abandoned minefield of broken thoughts and hurt feelings.
It drifts from lost memories of my ex and good christmases; to my annoyance for letting David's warmth pass by me, without ever letting him know my side; to my brief flush with Mike, who thought things were far more than they were; to the guy I've recently crushed on who now seems to have a lack of interest in my company.... and on and on.... Here I am faced with all these thoughts of situations that I am disappointed in the results.
I sit here wondering if I could clearly sort it all out, would these unhappy feelings dissipate... Or is that a pipe-dream? I feel internally we are mirrored by our external shell. We slowly accumulate scars, we carry them with us, and over time they weigh us down.
Hopefully we are strong enough to climb out of bed and meet that battle everyday, no matter how difficult or how outnumbered you may be, you fight.
Learn from these scars, these battle wounds, they only get worse as you get older.
I feel as though my minefield is packed full of these monstrous thoughts, I have been fighting them for quite a while now. I want to lie down and let them destroy my body and mind with scars. I know I can not.

Me? Attractive?

Sometimes I forget other people find me attractive.
I arrived in a coffee shop a couple minutes early to meet my boy of interest and went to the counter to check out the goodies. (Not the blonde behind the counter, but the sweet delicious pastries that coffee shops shove in your face, forcing you to buy them.)
I decided on a herbal tea, and nanimo bar. The employee seemed baffled by me. After I had ordered my drink and treat he asked me if it was for "here, or to go?". "For here" I answered, expecting an Eco-friendly plate and glass mug. Instead he offered some awkward conversation, took my money, and smiling handed me my treat in a bag, and my tea in a paper cup.
Thinking not much of it, I took a seat.
Later in the conversation with my affectionate one, he asked me why I had gotten a bag, and paper cup, as it didn't seem like me. I responded telling him that I had in fact said, "for here."
We both laughed, and my boy said, "sometimes I would forget what I was doing when a pretty blonde would show up at my work."
We laughed a little more, and I thought how sometimes I really forget that some people find me attractive.
I think this is due to the media hype, plastering the world with so many pictures of the perfect (completely unachievable) body, with perfect skin and hair? Or because as people we are so self-conscious about our looks, that we forget that we do have attractive features?