New Years

I am not the kind of person who likes to make New Year's resolutions. Whenever I have in the past I end up breaking them at some point during the year... then I treat them more as guidelines, until they are eventually forgotten.

I do know that my life is completely FUCKED right now in terms of taking care of myself. The endless parade of parties, drinks, bars, drinks, men, drinks, joints, drinks, drinks, and more drinks. Not to mention my complete disregard for diet or sleep schedule.

Instead of making rules to follow to better my life, I've decided to take a more so analytical approach to the new year.

2009 was not necessarily a good year for me. In January I moved into my own place. In April I started my second job, and have been working about sixty hours a week since. In June was the completion of my relationship. The summer flew by in drunken haze of socializing, drinking, parties and what-not. Through-out August and September I spent every waking

minute with a best friend. Things got complicated as they always do, and that relationship was cast away. The pain of that still hasn't quite subsided on certain days. I've also had a lot of bad luck and many disappointing social situations. Obviously there has been some good stuff too, but as a creature of the darkened world, I can't help but dwell on the negative.

My analytical side has allowed me to discover that throughout the negative quarries of 2009, there are many useful lessons that I can learn from these situations, and mistakes of the past year. Hopefully I can take these lessons with me as I grow.

Some of these include....

Be true to yourself, admit when you are unhappy, and try to change things to make yourself happy.

Keep an eye on your instincts, and stick to your standards.

Don't be afraid of your feelings.

It you want something, go after it. Don't let your fear or anyone else's stop you from what you want.

Just because it sounds like fun, think about the damage to yourself internally.

If someone isn't everything you are looking for, they are not the right person for you. Don't waste your energy.

numbness

Today was another SSDD... Same shit different day... Once again working brunch in a restaurant. Once again talking with the same people, eating the same food, and hearing the same music.
I figured some kind of conversation might be stimulating, but it's all bland. Maybe it's due to my lack of sleep. Maybe due to my increased apathy.
I was told something today that should have mildly upset me. Instead I stared out from my empty shell, smiled and waited for the pain. It never came. It still hasn't come.
I remember sitting in Riverdale park many years ago with my friend Rudy. I was crying and asking him when the numbness would end, and when I could begin to feel again. He answered that he did not know. Eventually the feeling returned... but I remember thinking that I hated feeling numb more than I hated feeling.
In the last six months all I've wanted is to feel numb. I wanted the hurt and feelings to disappear. Now that they are gone (or slightly tucked under the corners), have I just become numb again. Things that should matter do not.
My insomnia last night was a walk through memories, and although most were of situations I wished I could have changed or altered, I did not feel pain or sorrow for any of the souls I have lost.
Being in this state seems never-ending. I can't play music, for I feel uninspired by all I do. Music also does not sound sweet.
I can not bake, for food has no taste, I eat mearly to stay alive, and to keep up the cherade that all is ok. I can not read, for my mind is unfocused, and wishes not to believe in the fairy tales. I can only write... By even that often gets torn up and tossed out.
I almost wish for the pain to return... almost.

Minefield of broken thoughts

Insomnia has struck again. It seems to be the strongest when my free time is abundant. My mind is left wandering (racing) through an abandoned minefield of broken thoughts and hurt feelings.
It drifts from lost memories of my ex and good christmases; to my annoyance for letting David's warmth pass by me, without ever letting him know my side; to my brief flush with Mike, who thought things were far more than they were; to the guy I've recently crushed on who now seems to have a lack of interest in my company.... and on and on.... Here I am faced with all these thoughts of situations that I am disappointed in the results.
I sit here wondering if I could clearly sort it all out, would these unhappy feelings dissipate... Or is that a pipe-dream? I feel internally we are mirrored by our external shell. We slowly accumulate scars, we carry them with us, and over time they weigh us down.
Hopefully we are strong enough to climb out of bed and meet that battle everyday, no matter how difficult or how outnumbered you may be, you fight.
Learn from these scars, these battle wounds, they only get worse as you get older.
I feel as though my minefield is packed full of these monstrous thoughts, I have been fighting them for quite a while now. I want to lie down and let them destroy my body and mind with scars. I know I can not.