Winnipeg

          After the sun went down, I got comfy in my seat and watched a couple episodes of Planet Earth. I got sleepy and stretched out across my seats to nap for the evening. I was awaken every hour or so to the train stopping, either to let a freight train pass, or to let passengers on or off. Also, the attendants walking past me would wake me to as they awoke the passengers and got them ready to leave. Or welcomed the new passengers and orientated them to the train. I remember at one point being quite annoyed that we still hadn't arrived in Winnipeg.
          As we stopped I noticed that some of the families were getting off the train. Little Ava, and her young momma were the first to leave at Sioux Lookout, at about midnight. Passing their empty seats heading to the washroom felt different. A couple hours later the native family mommy, daddy, brother of 7 years old and baby were the next to leave. I didn't want to lose any more of my coach mates... but then I realized.... I was next!

          I fell back to sleep an hour or so later. I awoken this morning to the sun rising in the prairies. It was such a different site from anything I'd seen before. The land stretched out for miles and miles, no hills, and no trees. I could tell that the prairies were coming because the trees kept getting shorter, and had less and less branches. The evergreens were getting so skinny.
          We arrived in Winnipeg around 7:45am. I climbed off the train, as a different kind of feeling overwhelmed me. It wasn't completely sadness for leaving my coach-mates and comfort of the train. It wasn't completely fear for being alone in a brand new city. It wasn't completely the exhaustion I felt from a lack of sleep in four days. Maybe a mix of all, with a mild bout of excitement for the trip I was about to embark on.
          From the train station I used my fancy phone to find the closest breakfast place. I ate at a Pancake house (called Pancake House). I tried their pancakes.... which made me realize as much as I like pancakes, they are never what I except them to be, and am constantly disappointed. I should really only eat pancakes when I make them. I make them to be much thinner, more like crepes, and usually add bananas. Yum! I would like some now...
          Anyways, the scrambled eggs had great flavour, the bacon was perfectly cooked. The hash browns were perfectly cooked, but could have used more seasoning... and the pancakes, were pancakes.
After breakfast I began to wander around this area of Winnipeg called "the Forks".
          I headed towards the water and noticed a giant area with a historic landmark. When I first got there, there was a fitness group using the area as their own home gym. They were running around the monument, and using the viewing benches to do exercises off of. I felt like I was bugging them, and sat by the river for a bit.
          When I was ready to, I headed back to the monument. It was this circular rock thing with these large metal arches over top of the giant half sphere. The metal was designed to allow the sun to shine different symbols through shadows and light. SpongeBob climbed up on the rock sphere and tried to decode some of the symbols. He said it resembled Squidworth's music or something... I wasn't quite listening, he tends to ramble on a wee bit from time to time.

           I followed the river and discovered the Plaza. This is a nice skate park that was full of young skateboarders using the various ledges, bowls, half pipes, and ramps. The coolest thing I saw was this hill type thing. It went up and down like a wave, and I kicked around for a bit to see if anyone would ride on it. No one did. This park was the biggest skate board park I've ever seen, with the most equipment. It was entertaining to watch. Although I did notice the age of the skaters were much younger than what I would expect. Usually at the Bathurst skate park is anywhere from 15 - 30 year olds, where at this park were 10 - 16 year olds. Much younger kids.
          After watching the kids skate for a bit and realizing I missed skating with my brother, I left the park and decided to follow the river. There was a nice nature path that I followed along. It was peaceful. The river was overflown and a lot of the paths down to it were chained off and closed due to flooding. It was slow moving, and seemed like it had only recently unthawed.

          I stumbled upon another monument of sorts. At first I thought it was these weird copper pipes pointing to the sky. As I got closer I noticed it was huge. There were steps leading down in the centre. I was so confused as to what it was. In all directions the copper pipes were set up circling the huge area. In the very centre was a circular sun. There were plaques all around the centre. As I went over to read the plagues I noticed each one was about different constellations. It told when they would be the most visible, and a little bit about their historic significance.
          I realized that each of the copper pipes pointed out the constellations, and if you stood on top of the sun in the centre, you could clearly see these sites. I thought this was grand! It was something I was very interested in, and I wished that my hotel was closer to here so I could have gone there and saw all the different figures in the sky.
          I then wandered around the Forks market for a couple hours. It's kind of on par with St. Lawerence Market, only slightly more pricey, due to mainly tourists. I liked checking out all the specialty shops, and seeing all the organic produce. I spent about an hour in this antique market. It was full of items 50 years old and older (at least that's what they promised). The antiques market reminded me of my father's house. I saw a lot of similar dishes, decorative ornaments, blue cobalt glass (he collects this) which became popular in the 1950s. It made me wish to see him.
           Eventually I made my way back to the train station and picked up my luggage. I started my walk to my hotel. Two people along the way asked me if I was headed home. I smiled... the whole time I was wondering around Forks I felt like people were staring at me. For one, I noticed that NO ONE in this town wears heels. So my clip, clip, clop, as I walked certainly attracted people's eyes. I also haven't seen anyone in my age range who wasn't native. I was probably the only red-haired girl running around the city. But people asking me if I was headed home... well, I guess I really didn't stand out that much.
I walked uptown, getting a chance to see some of the city. I found out where the shopping centre was, where some places to have dinner and what-nots.
          I checked into my hotel, no issues, and finally got to shower. SO AMAZING!! Having space to spread out my belongings and having access to my giant suitcase was great.
            I took a brief nap and headed out for dinner. I went to a casual pub and sat at the bar. Had me some wine and dinner. Got into a bit of a chat about the Leafs with Captain Hook... He wasn't Captain Hook, I don't remember his real name... but he was this 47 year old guy with a hook for a hand. Our chat was quite brief, as I was ready to head back to my hotel.
Once here I called my brother and we chatted for a while. Then my exhaustion got the better of me and I fell asleep watching Doctor Who. Hehehe

Choo Chooo

        Throughout today the dismal winter was transformed into a more recognizable atmosphere. Vast forests of skinny evergreens lead way to breaks of rich lakes, and rivers. I took a moment to watch the sun dance across the lake and remembered that these moments are often passed up and not savoured.

          Earlier today we stopped in Hornepayne. This was the Hornepayne "landmark", an old silo, forgotten and abandoned. This was an hour and a half stop, and practically everyone piled off the train for some fresh air. It was quite snowy, but the sun filled the air with such warmth that I hardly noticed at all. SpongeBob was afraid to get himself wet with snow (Hence being a Sponge), and I had to coax him off the train.
The employees helped the children (passengers) to make snowmen as they cheerly chatted about Canadian climate and culture. 
Everyone looked so happy to be off the train and enjoying the sunshine and fresh air.
My boots, being far from waterproof, stopped me from venturing too far from the train. However I did find this old train station building which was also abandoned. All the windows were either smashed or boarded up with beautiful pictures painted over the windows.  Something about the old bricks and hand-painted frames drew me towards this building, where I felt it contained a certain kind of magic.

          At lunch I sat with a young couple who had a seven month old baby. Cutest little drooling thing he was. The mother had to put the child down (to nap), and I chatted with the father while I enjoyed my lunch. He worked for via rail and was taking the trip with his girlfriend to kill some time in his schedule before the busy tourist season started up. He was typically french (montreal), with only a slight accent, and I could tell he was liking the opportunity to work on his English.

          SpongeBob and myself spent most of the day in the dome car watching Ontario pass by in all it's grand beauty. I started working on a new knitting project (GO ME!!), which made me get motion sickness and hence took a well-deserved nap.

          Since we hit Winter in Sudbury at 5am last night I have not had any phone signal :( I think it should come back once we get back into civilization (probably tomorrow morning when I hit Winnipeg). I was enjoying pulling up my location on my fancy phone and seeing exactly where I was… Now I get to guess.

          I decided to once again visit the dinning car for dinner. I had a delicious cut of AAA Prime Rib and a glass of crappy Pinot Noir. The company was great. One quite nice and friendly retired salesman on his way to Vancouver (Courtney actually) to visit his son. He was full of world-knowledge, let me also say a plethora of knowledge for the rails, especially this trip (this being his 5th or 6th time doing it).

There was a nice mid aged woman who was moving to Edmonton to become a nurse. She was very supportive of my future attitude of career choice. She had told me about the many different careers she had ventured into, looking for the "right path", for herself. 

We also had a  middle-aged gentlemen who worked for companies to help clean up old industrial sites. He lived in Vancouver, and was taking the train home after flying to Toronto.

I felt like they were a little shocked by my age, and idea to take this trip alone, however I do not feel that they looked down at me in any way. I rather enjoyed my chats with them and I left dinner feeling full, satisfied and with a bigger smile on my face.

          The biggest difference I notice between the train and the plane is that it forces you to relax. You must relax completely in order to sleep between the jarring of the cars, and the constant blowing of the horn. I'm a light sleeper, and each and every time someone walks past me in the aisle, I am awaken. Not only that, but you have to wait…. it takes forever to get to where you are going, and it forces you to slow down and relax… it's not like you can go anywhere. The other huge difference is the staff. They are friendly, fun, and have their own personalities. I notice everyone is smiling. You WILL NOT see that on the plane. 

          My coach-mates are fine. Not loud or annoying in anyway. There are a couple young kids, who I think are quite well behaved under the circumstances. We just stopped for a "smoke-break" in Armstrong, where I picked up my first item to carry home. It is an old copper peg used to secure the wooden rails to the tracks. Now I'm in the dome car, ready to watch the night pass by seamlessly and Winnipeg to be my adventure of tomorrow.

          I'm a little sad to be getting off of the train. It feels like this is a comfy little home away from home, full of familiar smiling faces. 
          But first, the sleep! 

Not in Kanas anymore

I awoke this morning around 5am when the train arrived in Sudbury. The couple of inches of snow startled me… are we not finished with winter already?

After a brief stop over the train began chug-a-luging again… When I awoke later I have discovered that we are now on our way toHornepayne, circling around the northern side of lake Superior.

Not only did I discover that we were a lot farer North, but we are also in a lot more winter. What began as only a couple inches seems to have multiplied rapidly with our increasing northernly direction. I am now looking at forests blanketed with between three to five feet of snow. The delicate white powder continues to fall from the sky. Every branch has snow on it, and it seems to be the very picturesque vision of an Ansel Adams photo. 

Simply said, it is winter in it's finest. Everything covered in snow, rivers and creeks frozen over, and a warm hot chocolate in my hand.

Interview me

So far I think I've been doing a decent job at my new position. Some days are much more trying than others, but I do what I can. When I first started doing the position I could tell the owners didn't trust me, and were really nervous that I wouldn't cut it. Lately they've been hanging around me less, and asking more of me. Each day I get a little nervous when the boss walks in, because I fear he will ask more of me, and I will still have to get all of this extra work done, not to mention my old responsibilities as well.
In the last week one of the oldest employees quit, and I was asked to "get someone". I set up a bunch of interviews when the boss told me when he wanted them booked in.
Ten minutes before the first interview I called him to ensure he would be showing up. He told me he was busy and to do them. In the last two days I've conduced eight interviews. I tried to keep it interesting, mixed it up a bit, and listen to them. I've decided I don't like the idea of having to screen people. Most of the people I spoke with were strong minded, well sorted and had so many aspirations, goals, and dreams. As people, there were really only two, that I thought were not amazing. The two with the loudest personalities, have schedules that don't completely comply with what we are looking for. The two others are tied for the job right now, are both equally qualified, with good experience, good wine knowledge, and seem that they would both fit in with the restaurant well.
The owner said if I couldn't choose he would choose. I'm suppose to book them in for their second "interviews" on Monday. I hope the owner shows up. I'm not good at saying no, and I feel as though now I must say no to a whole bunch of people.
I did not sign up for this, and I do not enjoy having extra responsibilities just dropped on me. Yes, I do continually rise to the occasion. Yes it does make me a better, stronger worker...
I have slowed down on the drinking. Having to be up each and every morning at 6am makes it a bit difficult to meet up with my friends who only begin to go out at 10pm. My social life is not really happening right now, which is okay because my home life is a disaster. I am so far behind on so many of the little things I have to do. I keep telling myself I will get to it, but never do... eep!
In the last week I have played catch-up with a couple old friends. Annoyance came at one, when I could clearly tell they were not listening to me. For one who was insistent on chatting and catching up, it was clear that they have absolutely no interest in actually catching up. I couldn't help but feel sad as well. I hate when you know something isn't half of what of you thought it was.
The other friend was great, continually asking me question after question, wanting to know everything about everything, and genially interested in what I've been up to. At one point he said to me that it seemed things were pretty well put together in my life. I felt shocked by this. I feel so torn at the seams, and as if I move just the wrong way everything will just fall to pieces. I feel mentally exhausted and slightly broken. I guess my mask and facade are far more convincing than I perceive them to be. Had a great time with this friend as I always do. Thanks to REAL people. Good people! (The few that exist)

Awesome Show

Last evening I returned home from work and was exhausted. I took a quick nap, and made a couple phone calls to a couple people who were suppose to be heading out later in the evening. The plan was to go see a buddy's band in a nearby venue. I was exhausted, and FORCED myself to get dressed and head out to the bar.
The show was great. I had only been in there once or twice before, and I completely forgot where the venue part of the place was. I stood at the bar for a bit and called a bunch of people who were supposed to be there. No one answered. Finally I got a little daring, and ventured around until I found the live music area and payed my fee to get in. As soon as I did, I was cornered by this regular from my work. After about ten minutes he had chatted intensively on and on about nothing, and all I wanted was to listen to the band. This was not the band I had come to see, but I still wanted to see them. I recognized a good friend I hadn't seen in months, and made my escape.
It was good convos, and I forgot how much I enjoy his company. It was nice to have a good conversation with someone who I knew wouldn't judge me. He talked about setting me up with one of his friends that sounded like fun, but I cringe at the thought of going on a date.
I wished all the boys good luck before the show, and they all thanked me for coming.
The band began to play, and they were amazing. Modern day Nirvana sound. Hard loud, grungy with a bit of a modern-day feel. I was completely into it! Rocking my head and swaying my body. It was the second time I had seen a band which consisted almost completely of my friends. To be honest I was shocked how great they were. Catchy songs, with harsh components. Melodic lines, and sexy screaming.  One song really stood out, the melodies for verses and choruses were catchy, but not repetitive. Then the whole band dropped out to leave an artful but yet complex guitar lick. Then all the instruments would come back in to compliment it. At one point a mosh pit almost started, only there was too many tables nearby to necessitate enough room to do so.
During and after the show I noticed that there were many attractive young men in the room. I was running out of time, as I needed to disappear quickly after the show. I at one point almost bumped into a very rugged man to introduce my friend to, but he left before the opportunity presented itself.

New Years

I am not the kind of person who likes to make New Year's resolutions. Whenever I have in the past I end up breaking them at some point during the year... then I treat them more as guidelines, until they are eventually forgotten.

I do know that my life is completely FUCKED right now in terms of taking care of myself. The endless parade of parties, drinks, bars, drinks, men, drinks, joints, drinks, drinks, and more drinks. Not to mention my complete disregard for diet or sleep schedule.

Instead of making rules to follow to better my life, I've decided to take a more so analytical approach to the new year.

2009 was not necessarily a good year for me. In January I moved into my own place. In April I started my second job, and have been working about sixty hours a week since. In June was the completion of my relationship. The summer flew by in drunken haze of socializing, drinking, parties and what-not. Through-out August and September I spent every waking

minute with a best friend. Things got complicated as they always do, and that relationship was cast away. The pain of that still hasn't quite subsided on certain days. I've also had a lot of bad luck and many disappointing social situations. Obviously there has been some good stuff too, but as a creature of the darkened world, I can't help but dwell on the negative.

My analytical side has allowed me to discover that throughout the negative quarries of 2009, there are many useful lessons that I can learn from these situations, and mistakes of the past year. Hopefully I can take these lessons with me as I grow.

Some of these include....

Be true to yourself, admit when you are unhappy, and try to change things to make yourself happy.

Keep an eye on your instincts, and stick to your standards.

Don't be afraid of your feelings.

It you want something, go after it. Don't let your fear or anyone else's stop you from what you want.

Just because it sounds like fun, think about the damage to yourself internally.

If someone isn't everything you are looking for, they are not the right person for you. Don't waste your energy.

Just another day

As I finish my day with a mini bottle of champagne I am confused as to what the new day, and new year might bring. I have mixed feelings about new years eve, and I have this feeling that something quite unexpected will happen. We shall see. Whenever I thought of New years eve before I imagined working and having a good time.

New years seems like the time to start over. New year = new direction. I feel that this regular schedule, regular hours might put me on the right track to success. I need to apply to schools, and get on a healthy diet, and sleep schedule.

I went to see Sherlock Holmes today. It was a great movie. Detective with such intuitive, observational, deduction skills. Simply forgot what great characters were contained in that story. However it is Sir Arthur Conan Doyal, should we expect anything less?

It made me question my own deductive skills. I know I have very sharp observational skills, but I sometimes do not use them. I feel as though I should pay closer attention to my strong intuitive nature and observations. These are skills one is born with, but they can be developed further.

Yesterday I went rock climbing with an old friend. It was nice to hear his stories and find out how his life is progressing halfway across the country. I felt sadness knowing that he has no intention of moving back to the city. However I do feel happiness to know he is enjoying his life out there, and pursuing the career and dreams.
I like the rock climbing place. Having only been there once before I knew I would be tested on my knowledge of belaying and what-not. The guy working there actually remembered me. It was kind of weird. I had only been there once before, and of course I remembered his pretty face, but he sees a million people all the time. I was shocked he remembered me.
I get this weird feeling in the rock climbing place. I felt it when I was there before.

It's supposed to be this place where you go with your friends and have a good time. It's something to be excited about.... when I'm there, the music is blaring and everyone is chatting, encouraging and climbing... but there's this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Like if many have been lost, and much pain has passed through the walls. It could be all in my head....

While I was climbing I did well on the first couple walls. Then I started to challenge myself with harder stuff. I forgot that I have no upper body strength, and found myself struggling and falling on a couple walls. The distance between stones was physically too far for me, but I still had a good time. It makes me want to try harder next time :) Am I ever feeling the burn now though... ouchie!

numbness

Today was another SSDD... Same shit different day... Once again working brunch in a restaurant. Once again talking with the same people, eating the same food, and hearing the same music.
I figured some kind of conversation might be stimulating, but it's all bland. Maybe it's due to my lack of sleep. Maybe due to my increased apathy.
I was told something today that should have mildly upset me. Instead I stared out from my empty shell, smiled and waited for the pain. It never came. It still hasn't come.
I remember sitting in Riverdale park many years ago with my friend Rudy. I was crying and asking him when the numbness would end, and when I could begin to feel again. He answered that he did not know. Eventually the feeling returned... but I remember thinking that I hated feeling numb more than I hated feeling.
In the last six months all I've wanted is to feel numb. I wanted the hurt and feelings to disappear. Now that they are gone (or slightly tucked under the corners), have I just become numb again. Things that should matter do not.
My insomnia last night was a walk through memories, and although most were of situations I wished I could have changed or altered, I did not feel pain or sorrow for any of the souls I have lost.
Being in this state seems never-ending. I can't play music, for I feel uninspired by all I do. Music also does not sound sweet.
I can not bake, for food has no taste, I eat mearly to stay alive, and to keep up the cherade that all is ok. I can not read, for my mind is unfocused, and wishes not to believe in the fairy tales. I can only write... By even that often gets torn up and tossed out.
I almost wish for the pain to return... almost.

Minefield of broken thoughts

Insomnia has struck again. It seems to be the strongest when my free time is abundant. My mind is left wandering (racing) through an abandoned minefield of broken thoughts and hurt feelings.
It drifts from lost memories of my ex and good christmases; to my annoyance for letting David's warmth pass by me, without ever letting him know my side; to my brief flush with Mike, who thought things were far more than they were; to the guy I've recently crushed on who now seems to have a lack of interest in my company.... and on and on.... Here I am faced with all these thoughts of situations that I am disappointed in the results.
I sit here wondering if I could clearly sort it all out, would these unhappy feelings dissipate... Or is that a pipe-dream? I feel internally we are mirrored by our external shell. We slowly accumulate scars, we carry them with us, and over time they weigh us down.
Hopefully we are strong enough to climb out of bed and meet that battle everyday, no matter how difficult or how outnumbered you may be, you fight.
Learn from these scars, these battle wounds, they only get worse as you get older.
I feel as though my minefield is packed full of these monstrous thoughts, I have been fighting them for quite a while now. I want to lie down and let them destroy my body and mind with scars. I know I can not.

Drinks anyone?

This morning I climbed into bed at 10am. Another night of ridiculous drinking until stupid-o-clock. Although I have been social for most of my life, I feel as though 2009 was a year of constant drunkenness. I feel a bit embarrassed when I think back to the amount of booze I have consumed, or all the nights which seemed never to end.
I did take a week off to detoxify my system, so I am sure that I do not have an extreme problem. But I am a little relentless in my partying. In fact this week I have gone out practically every night.
I don't really believe much in new years resolutions, but I feel that this new work position will enforce me to be more responsible with my sleep pattern, eating, and most importantly obsessive drinking in the new year. We'll see...
Last night I finished work and headed over to a friends house. i went with a couple people I work with, and some random guys that were guests in the bar that night. One was a particularly good looking young man with whom I spent the majority of the night chatting with. I knew that nothing would happen between us, and I sometimes wonder why I even try... Even still, I had a very good time all and all, and made some new friends. I also learned a very valuable lesson... if you leave the party at 7am, do not go somewhere seven times further from your own home.