Interview me

So far I think I've been doing a decent job at my new position. Some days are much more trying than others, but I do what I can. When I first started doing the position I could tell the owners didn't trust me, and were really nervous that I wouldn't cut it. Lately they've been hanging around me less, and asking more of me. Each day I get a little nervous when the boss walks in, because I fear he will ask more of me, and I will still have to get all of this extra work done, not to mention my old responsibilities as well.
In the last week one of the oldest employees quit, and I was asked to "get someone". I set up a bunch of interviews when the boss told me when he wanted them booked in.
Ten minutes before the first interview I called him to ensure he would be showing up. He told me he was busy and to do them. In the last two days I've conduced eight interviews. I tried to keep it interesting, mixed it up a bit, and listen to them. I've decided I don't like the idea of having to screen people. Most of the people I spoke with were strong minded, well sorted and had so many aspirations, goals, and dreams. As people, there were really only two, that I thought were not amazing. The two with the loudest personalities, have schedules that don't completely comply with what we are looking for. The two others are tied for the job right now, are both equally qualified, with good experience, good wine knowledge, and seem that they would both fit in with the restaurant well.
The owner said if I couldn't choose he would choose. I'm suppose to book them in for their second "interviews" on Monday. I hope the owner shows up. I'm not good at saying no, and I feel as though now I must say no to a whole bunch of people.
I did not sign up for this, and I do not enjoy having extra responsibilities just dropped on me. Yes, I do continually rise to the occasion. Yes it does make me a better, stronger worker...
I have slowed down on the drinking. Having to be up each and every morning at 6am makes it a bit difficult to meet up with my friends who only begin to go out at 10pm. My social life is not really happening right now, which is okay because my home life is a disaster. I am so far behind on so many of the little things I have to do. I keep telling myself I will get to it, but never do... eep!
In the last week I have played catch-up with a couple old friends. Annoyance came at one, when I could clearly tell they were not listening to me. For one who was insistent on chatting and catching up, it was clear that they have absolutely no interest in actually catching up. I couldn't help but feel sad as well. I hate when you know something isn't half of what of you thought it was.
The other friend was great, continually asking me question after question, wanting to know everything about everything, and genially interested in what I've been up to. At one point he said to me that it seemed things were pretty well put together in my life. I felt shocked by this. I feel so torn at the seams, and as if I move just the wrong way everything will just fall to pieces. I feel mentally exhausted and slightly broken. I guess my mask and facade are far more convincing than I perceive them to be. Had a great time with this friend as I always do. Thanks to REAL people. Good people! (The few that exist)

Awesome Show

Last evening I returned home from work and was exhausted. I took a quick nap, and made a couple phone calls to a couple people who were suppose to be heading out later in the evening. The plan was to go see a buddy's band in a nearby venue. I was exhausted, and FORCED myself to get dressed and head out to the bar.
The show was great. I had only been in there once or twice before, and I completely forgot where the venue part of the place was. I stood at the bar for a bit and called a bunch of people who were supposed to be there. No one answered. Finally I got a little daring, and ventured around until I found the live music area and payed my fee to get in. As soon as I did, I was cornered by this regular from my work. After about ten minutes he had chatted intensively on and on about nothing, and all I wanted was to listen to the band. This was not the band I had come to see, but I still wanted to see them. I recognized a good friend I hadn't seen in months, and made my escape.
It was good convos, and I forgot how much I enjoy his company. It was nice to have a good conversation with someone who I knew wouldn't judge me. He talked about setting me up with one of his friends that sounded like fun, but I cringe at the thought of going on a date.
I wished all the boys good luck before the show, and they all thanked me for coming.
The band began to play, and they were amazing. Modern day Nirvana sound. Hard loud, grungy with a bit of a modern-day feel. I was completely into it! Rocking my head and swaying my body. It was the second time I had seen a band which consisted almost completely of my friends. To be honest I was shocked how great they were. Catchy songs, with harsh components. Melodic lines, and sexy screaming.  One song really stood out, the melodies for verses and choruses were catchy, but not repetitive. Then the whole band dropped out to leave an artful but yet complex guitar lick. Then all the instruments would come back in to compliment it. At one point a mosh pit almost started, only there was too many tables nearby to necessitate enough room to do so.
During and after the show I noticed that there were many attractive young men in the room. I was running out of time, as I needed to disappear quickly after the show. I at one point almost bumped into a very rugged man to introduce my friend to, but he left before the opportunity presented itself.

New Years

I am not the kind of person who likes to make New Year's resolutions. Whenever I have in the past I end up breaking them at some point during the year... then I treat them more as guidelines, until they are eventually forgotten.

I do know that my life is completely FUCKED right now in terms of taking care of myself. The endless parade of parties, drinks, bars, drinks, men, drinks, joints, drinks, drinks, and more drinks. Not to mention my complete disregard for diet or sleep schedule.

Instead of making rules to follow to better my life, I've decided to take a more so analytical approach to the new year.

2009 was not necessarily a good year for me. In January I moved into my own place. In April I started my second job, and have been working about sixty hours a week since. In June was the completion of my relationship. The summer flew by in drunken haze of socializing, drinking, parties and what-not. Through-out August and September I spent every waking

minute with a best friend. Things got complicated as they always do, and that relationship was cast away. The pain of that still hasn't quite subsided on certain days. I've also had a lot of bad luck and many disappointing social situations. Obviously there has been some good stuff too, but as a creature of the darkened world, I can't help but dwell on the negative.

My analytical side has allowed me to discover that throughout the negative quarries of 2009, there are many useful lessons that I can learn from these situations, and mistakes of the past year. Hopefully I can take these lessons with me as I grow.

Some of these include....

Be true to yourself, admit when you are unhappy, and try to change things to make yourself happy.

Keep an eye on your instincts, and stick to your standards.

Don't be afraid of your feelings.

It you want something, go after it. Don't let your fear or anyone else's stop you from what you want.

Just because it sounds like fun, think about the damage to yourself internally.

If someone isn't everything you are looking for, they are not the right person for you. Don't waste your energy.