New Years

I am not the kind of person who likes to make New Year's resolutions. Whenever I have in the past I end up breaking them at some point during the year... then I treat them more as guidelines, until they are eventually forgotten.

I do know that my life is completely FUCKED right now in terms of taking care of myself. The endless parade of parties, drinks, bars, drinks, men, drinks, joints, drinks, drinks, and more drinks. Not to mention my complete disregard for diet or sleep schedule.

Instead of making rules to follow to better my life, I've decided to take a more so analytical approach to the new year.

2009 was not necessarily a good year for me. In January I moved into my own place. In April I started my second job, and have been working about sixty hours a week since. In June was the completion of my relationship. The summer flew by in drunken haze of socializing, drinking, parties and what-not. Through-out August and September I spent every waking

minute with a best friend. Things got complicated as they always do, and that relationship was cast away. The pain of that still hasn't quite subsided on certain days. I've also had a lot of bad luck and many disappointing social situations. Obviously there has been some good stuff too, but as a creature of the darkened world, I can't help but dwell on the negative.

My analytical side has allowed me to discover that throughout the negative quarries of 2009, there are many useful lessons that I can learn from these situations, and mistakes of the past year. Hopefully I can take these lessons with me as I grow.

Some of these include....

Be true to yourself, admit when you are unhappy, and try to change things to make yourself happy.

Keep an eye on your instincts, and stick to your standards.

Don't be afraid of your feelings.

It you want something, go after it. Don't let your fear or anyone else's stop you from what you want.

Just because it sounds like fun, think about the damage to yourself internally.

If someone isn't everything you are looking for, they are not the right person for you. Don't waste your energy.

Just another day

As I finish my day with a mini bottle of champagne I am confused as to what the new day, and new year might bring. I have mixed feelings about new years eve, and I have this feeling that something quite unexpected will happen. We shall see. Whenever I thought of New years eve before I imagined working and having a good time.

New years seems like the time to start over. New year = new direction. I feel that this regular schedule, regular hours might put me on the right track to success. I need to apply to schools, and get on a healthy diet, and sleep schedule.

I went to see Sherlock Holmes today. It was a great movie. Detective with such intuitive, observational, deduction skills. Simply forgot what great characters were contained in that story. However it is Sir Arthur Conan Doyal, should we expect anything less?

It made me question my own deductive skills. I know I have very sharp observational skills, but I sometimes do not use them. I feel as though I should pay closer attention to my strong intuitive nature and observations. These are skills one is born with, but they can be developed further.

Yesterday I went rock climbing with an old friend. It was nice to hear his stories and find out how his life is progressing halfway across the country. I felt sadness knowing that he has no intention of moving back to the city. However I do feel happiness to know he is enjoying his life out there, and pursuing the career and dreams.
I like the rock climbing place. Having only been there once before I knew I would be tested on my knowledge of belaying and what-not. The guy working there actually remembered me. It was kind of weird. I had only been there once before, and of course I remembered his pretty face, but he sees a million people all the time. I was shocked he remembered me.
I get this weird feeling in the rock climbing place. I felt it when I was there before.

It's supposed to be this place where you go with your friends and have a good time. It's something to be excited about.... when I'm there, the music is blaring and everyone is chatting, encouraging and climbing... but there's this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Like if many have been lost, and much pain has passed through the walls. It could be all in my head....

While I was climbing I did well on the first couple walls. Then I started to challenge myself with harder stuff. I forgot that I have no upper body strength, and found myself struggling and falling on a couple walls. The distance between stones was physically too far for me, but I still had a good time. It makes me want to try harder next time :) Am I ever feeling the burn now though... ouchie!