Just another day

As I finish my day with a mini bottle of champagne I am confused as to what the new day, and new year might bring. I have mixed feelings about new years eve, and I have this feeling that something quite unexpected will happen. We shall see. Whenever I thought of New years eve before I imagined working and having a good time.

New years seems like the time to start over. New year = new direction. I feel that this regular schedule, regular hours might put me on the right track to success. I need to apply to schools, and get on a healthy diet, and sleep schedule.

I went to see Sherlock Holmes today. It was a great movie. Detective with such intuitive, observational, deduction skills. Simply forgot what great characters were contained in that story. However it is Sir Arthur Conan Doyal, should we expect anything less?

It made me question my own deductive skills. I know I have very sharp observational skills, but I sometimes do not use them. I feel as though I should pay closer attention to my strong intuitive nature and observations. These are skills one is born with, but they can be developed further.

Yesterday I went rock climbing with an old friend. It was nice to hear his stories and find out how his life is progressing halfway across the country. I felt sadness knowing that he has no intention of moving back to the city. However I do feel happiness to know he is enjoying his life out there, and pursuing the career and dreams.
I like the rock climbing place. Having only been there once before I knew I would be tested on my knowledge of belaying and what-not. The guy working there actually remembered me. It was kind of weird. I had only been there once before, and of course I remembered his pretty face, but he sees a million people all the time. I was shocked he remembered me.
I get this weird feeling in the rock climbing place. I felt it when I was there before.

It's supposed to be this place where you go with your friends and have a good time. It's something to be excited about.... when I'm there, the music is blaring and everyone is chatting, encouraging and climbing... but there's this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Like if many have been lost, and much pain has passed through the walls. It could be all in my head....

While I was climbing I did well on the first couple walls. Then I started to challenge myself with harder stuff. I forgot that I have no upper body strength, and found myself struggling and falling on a couple walls. The distance between stones was physically too far for me, but I still had a good time. It makes me want to try harder next time :) Am I ever feeling the burn now though... ouchie!

numbness

Today was another SSDD... Same shit different day... Once again working brunch in a restaurant. Once again talking with the same people, eating the same food, and hearing the same music.
I figured some kind of conversation might be stimulating, but it's all bland. Maybe it's due to my lack of sleep. Maybe due to my increased apathy.
I was told something today that should have mildly upset me. Instead I stared out from my empty shell, smiled and waited for the pain. It never came. It still hasn't come.
I remember sitting in Riverdale park many years ago with my friend Rudy. I was crying and asking him when the numbness would end, and when I could begin to feel again. He answered that he did not know. Eventually the feeling returned... but I remember thinking that I hated feeling numb more than I hated feeling.
In the last six months all I've wanted is to feel numb. I wanted the hurt and feelings to disappear. Now that they are gone (or slightly tucked under the corners), have I just become numb again. Things that should matter do not.
My insomnia last night was a walk through memories, and although most were of situations I wished I could have changed or altered, I did not feel pain or sorrow for any of the souls I have lost.
Being in this state seems never-ending. I can't play music, for I feel uninspired by all I do. Music also does not sound sweet.
I can not bake, for food has no taste, I eat mearly to stay alive, and to keep up the cherade that all is ok. I can not read, for my mind is unfocused, and wishes not to believe in the fairy tales. I can only write... By even that often gets torn up and tossed out.
I almost wish for the pain to return... almost.

Minefield of broken thoughts

Insomnia has struck again. It seems to be the strongest when my free time is abundant. My mind is left wandering (racing) through an abandoned minefield of broken thoughts and hurt feelings.
It drifts from lost memories of my ex and good christmases; to my annoyance for letting David's warmth pass by me, without ever letting him know my side; to my brief flush with Mike, who thought things were far more than they were; to the guy I've recently crushed on who now seems to have a lack of interest in my company.... and on and on.... Here I am faced with all these thoughts of situations that I am disappointed in the results.
I sit here wondering if I could clearly sort it all out, would these unhappy feelings dissipate... Or is that a pipe-dream? I feel internally we are mirrored by our external shell. We slowly accumulate scars, we carry them with us, and over time they weigh us down.
Hopefully we are strong enough to climb out of bed and meet that battle everyday, no matter how difficult or how outnumbered you may be, you fight.
Learn from these scars, these battle wounds, they only get worse as you get older.
I feel as though my minefield is packed full of these monstrous thoughts, I have been fighting them for quite a while now. I want to lie down and let them destroy my body and mind with scars. I know I can not.

Drinks anyone?

This morning I climbed into bed at 10am. Another night of ridiculous drinking until stupid-o-clock. Although I have been social for most of my life, I feel as though 2009 was a year of constant drunkenness. I feel a bit embarrassed when I think back to the amount of booze I have consumed, or all the nights which seemed never to end.
I did take a week off to detoxify my system, so I am sure that I do not have an extreme problem. But I am a little relentless in my partying. In fact this week I have gone out practically every night.
I don't really believe much in new years resolutions, but I feel that this new work position will enforce me to be more responsible with my sleep pattern, eating, and most importantly obsessive drinking in the new year. We'll see...
Last night I finished work and headed over to a friends house. i went with a couple people I work with, and some random guys that were guests in the bar that night. One was a particularly good looking young man with whom I spent the majority of the night chatting with. I knew that nothing would happen between us, and I sometimes wonder why I even try... Even still, I had a very good time all and all, and made some new friends. I also learned a very valuable lesson... if you leave the party at 7am, do not go somewhere seven times further from your own home.

Where's Christmas?

I feel as though Christmas is a million miles away. It's weird to walk through the malls and see all the bright decorations, hear the music playing, but not feel it inside. Usually by this time my ex and I would have already watched all our Christmas movies, and by working through them a second time. We would have the Christmas music playing on the radio, and be dancing and decorating. I realized we would also be plotting when to get our tree, and when we did, we would walk it the two blocks home singing 'Oh Christmas tree".
Then it kind of dawned on me. Christmas is about sharing the day with people you love. Whether it's just one day, or a couple weeks or silly stuff you do with someone. It's about being around and laughing with people you love.
This year my sister will be staying with me throughout the holidays. I'm also cooking Christmas dinner, and no one has called to bail out yet like previous years. Maybe I will feel it more so when my sister arrives. Maybe we'll watch movies and decorate together. Maybe I'll feel it on Christmas when everyone is around. Maybe I'll never feel it... we'll see