Just another day

As I finish my day with a mini bottle of champagne I am confused as to what the new day, and new year might bring. I have mixed feelings about new years eve, and I have this feeling that something quite unexpected will happen. We shall see. Whenever I thought of New years eve before I imagined working and having a good time.

New years seems like the time to start over. New year = new direction. I feel that this regular schedule, regular hours might put me on the right track to success. I need to apply to schools, and get on a healthy diet, and sleep schedule.

I went to see Sherlock Holmes today. It was a great movie. Detective with such intuitive, observational, deduction skills. Simply forgot what great characters were contained in that story. However it is Sir Arthur Conan Doyal, should we expect anything less?

It made me question my own deductive skills. I know I have very sharp observational skills, but I sometimes do not use them. I feel as though I should pay closer attention to my strong intuitive nature and observations. These are skills one is born with, but they can be developed further.

Yesterday I went rock climbing with an old friend. It was nice to hear his stories and find out how his life is progressing halfway across the country. I felt sadness knowing that he has no intention of moving back to the city. However I do feel happiness to know he is enjoying his life out there, and pursuing the career and dreams.
I like the rock climbing place. Having only been there once before I knew I would be tested on my knowledge of belaying and what-not. The guy working there actually remembered me. It was kind of weird. I had only been there once before, and of course I remembered his pretty face, but he sees a million people all the time. I was shocked he remembered me.
I get this weird feeling in the rock climbing place. I felt it when I was there before.

It's supposed to be this place where you go with your friends and have a good time. It's something to be excited about.... when I'm there, the music is blaring and everyone is chatting, encouraging and climbing... but there's this overwhelming feeling of sadness. Like if many have been lost, and much pain has passed through the walls. It could be all in my head....

While I was climbing I did well on the first couple walls. Then I started to challenge myself with harder stuff. I forgot that I have no upper body strength, and found myself struggling and falling on a couple walls. The distance between stones was physically too far for me, but I still had a good time. It makes me want to try harder next time :) Am I ever feeling the burn now though... ouchie!

numbness

Today was another SSDD... Same shit different day... Once again working brunch in a restaurant. Once again talking with the same people, eating the same food, and hearing the same music.
I figured some kind of conversation might be stimulating, but it's all bland. Maybe it's due to my lack of sleep. Maybe due to my increased apathy.
I was told something today that should have mildly upset me. Instead I stared out from my empty shell, smiled and waited for the pain. It never came. It still hasn't come.
I remember sitting in Riverdale park many years ago with my friend Rudy. I was crying and asking him when the numbness would end, and when I could begin to feel again. He answered that he did not know. Eventually the feeling returned... but I remember thinking that I hated feeling numb more than I hated feeling.
In the last six months all I've wanted is to feel numb. I wanted the hurt and feelings to disappear. Now that they are gone (or slightly tucked under the corners), have I just become numb again. Things that should matter do not.
My insomnia last night was a walk through memories, and although most were of situations I wished I could have changed or altered, I did not feel pain or sorrow for any of the souls I have lost.
Being in this state seems never-ending. I can't play music, for I feel uninspired by all I do. Music also does not sound sweet.
I can not bake, for food has no taste, I eat mearly to stay alive, and to keep up the cherade that all is ok. I can not read, for my mind is unfocused, and wishes not to believe in the fairy tales. I can only write... By even that often gets torn up and tossed out.
I almost wish for the pain to return... almost.

Minefield of broken thoughts

Insomnia has struck again. It seems to be the strongest when my free time is abundant. My mind is left wandering (racing) through an abandoned minefield of broken thoughts and hurt feelings.
It drifts from lost memories of my ex and good christmases; to my annoyance for letting David's warmth pass by me, without ever letting him know my side; to my brief flush with Mike, who thought things were far more than they were; to the guy I've recently crushed on who now seems to have a lack of interest in my company.... and on and on.... Here I am faced with all these thoughts of situations that I am disappointed in the results.
I sit here wondering if I could clearly sort it all out, would these unhappy feelings dissipate... Or is that a pipe-dream? I feel internally we are mirrored by our external shell. We slowly accumulate scars, we carry them with us, and over time they weigh us down.
Hopefully we are strong enough to climb out of bed and meet that battle everyday, no matter how difficult or how outnumbered you may be, you fight.
Learn from these scars, these battle wounds, they only get worse as you get older.
I feel as though my minefield is packed full of these monstrous thoughts, I have been fighting them for quite a while now. I want to lie down and let them destroy my body and mind with scars. I know I can not.

Drinks anyone?

This morning I climbed into bed at 10am. Another night of ridiculous drinking until stupid-o-clock. Although I have been social for most of my life, I feel as though 2009 was a year of constant drunkenness. I feel a bit embarrassed when I think back to the amount of booze I have consumed, or all the nights which seemed never to end.
I did take a week off to detoxify my system, so I am sure that I do not have an extreme problem. But I am a little relentless in my partying. In fact this week I have gone out practically every night.
I don't really believe much in new years resolutions, but I feel that this new work position will enforce me to be more responsible with my sleep pattern, eating, and most importantly obsessive drinking in the new year. We'll see...
Last night I finished work and headed over to a friends house. i went with a couple people I work with, and some random guys that were guests in the bar that night. One was a particularly good looking young man with whom I spent the majority of the night chatting with. I knew that nothing would happen between us, and I sometimes wonder why I even try... Even still, I had a very good time all and all, and made some new friends. I also learned a very valuable lesson... if you leave the party at 7am, do not go somewhere seven times further from your own home.

Where's Christmas?

I feel as though Christmas is a million miles away. It's weird to walk through the malls and see all the bright decorations, hear the music playing, but not feel it inside. Usually by this time my ex and I would have already watched all our Christmas movies, and by working through them a second time. We would have the Christmas music playing on the radio, and be dancing and decorating. I realized we would also be plotting when to get our tree, and when we did, we would walk it the two blocks home singing 'Oh Christmas tree".
Then it kind of dawned on me. Christmas is about sharing the day with people you love. Whether it's just one day, or a couple weeks or silly stuff you do with someone. It's about being around and laughing with people you love.
This year my sister will be staying with me throughout the holidays. I'm also cooking Christmas dinner, and no one has called to bail out yet like previous years. Maybe I will feel it more so when my sister arrives. Maybe we'll watch movies and decorate together. Maybe I'll feel it on Christmas when everyone is around. Maybe I'll never feel it... we'll see

Luna & Sol

I decided to take a break from the isolation, the comfort of my apartment, and embrace the outdoors. I took a nice walk around my neighbourhood and watched the sun setting. The sky filled with bands of thick clouds. In between the bands were various shades of pink and orange. I couldn't help but gaze and marvel at the beauty in which the sky beheld. Sometimes you just need to slow down... see, hear, touch, or experience the moment, whatever it may be.
After the sun was gone. The moon appeared in all it's glory. Magnificently glowing, almost full and quite large in the sky, it beamed down it's comfortable reassurance that everything in the universe is just as it should be. The moon is my favourite. Many nights I have walked, or biked around the city, gazing up at it's beauty, daydreaming of something equally as appealing to my senses.

Respect is deserved

One of my regulars came into the bar with her friend. Turns out, her friend didn't have any money with her. This broke-beauty proceeded to order: two double vodka sodas, and nine shots. By this time, my regular smartened up and decided to clear the tab. She paid, explained the situation to me, and excused herself from the presence of disrespect.
Upon her exit the remaining 'friend', and a crazy random drunken mother were left. The two began to bitch about their children. It being after last call, I ignored them and continued to clean up.
Next thing I knew, the broke-beauty was screaming at the drunken mother's daughter on the phone. She kept repeating, "You need to give your mother respect! I'm going to take your mother home. I want to see your face, because you need to respect her."
This went on for over ten minutes. This woman, who obviously didn't respect her friend or her friend's generosity,was lecturing someone else on the morals of respect.
I put myself in the daughter's position. ~Your mother drunk at a bar, not wanting to come home. Some random drunk screaming at you over the phone about respect.~
At nineteen I had so many of my own issues, and this girl must too. It must be tough to deal with her mom behaving like that. I'm sure tonight will be another darkened spot on her memory.
I wanted to tell Brokey to shut up! That respect is earned, not just handed out like a flyer on the street.
Who is to say that her mother deserves respect? How does she treat her daughter? Yes, one SHOULD respect their parents, but in this situation only the mother and daughter truly know how much respect is deserved.

Contents of my Purse

I thought you could learn a lot about a person simply by looking at the contents of their purse, or wallet. What you carry with you says a lot about you. Here's what was in my purse yesterday evening.....


One Nestle Pure Life half full water bottle
One PalmOne Treo Smartphone
One 375ml half full bottle of Tanqueray London Dry Gin
One TTC day pass for November 21st
Two packages of caps (for cap gun)
One 250ml spray bottle of Moringa Milk body lotion
One OLD 2G Nano (I-Pod) with original white ear buds
One almost empty package of life brand tissues
One empty Mexican skull stash case
Cheat notes for work (cash prices)
Lip gloss
Receipt paper with weird ass song lyrics made up by weird guy at my job
One full size Nat Sherman Cigar
Grapefruit flavoured chap stick
One 100ml spray bottle of Vanilla flavoured body mist
Eight pens
Two wine openers
Two bobby pins
One 375ml bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream liquor
Card holder with bank card etc...
Random paper with friend's msn address
All-purpose tool (kinda like Swiss army knife)
Compact
Mascara
Two eyeliners
Three eye shadows
Seven random receipts
One TTC bus transfer for November 13th @ 5:45pm.

How simple

While walking home from the subway station, I was reminded just how beautiful the world can be. It was lightly misting, and was perfect temperature for my light pea coat. I looked up at the trees as I walked past the mini Mirvish parkette. I noticed hints of red and gold. Hearing a car splash by, I watched a leaf drop, it hit the ground effortlessly beside an imprint of it's golden father. I drew a deep breath, inhaling my childhood Halloween memories. "I enjoy this about the world", I thought as I turned my face towards the mist. How simple the beauty of the world can be.